Me, Oh My, What Can the Matter Be?

It is liberating that I've decided that I don't necessarily have to inject humor into all of my blogs. Instead, no matter what the subject of my blog is about, I make sure I find a way to bring my faith into play and do the best I can to let the Spirit guide me while I write.

Because while it might not be as interesting as the witty words I used to make life seem like a barrel of (if dysfunctional,) monkeys, it is incredibly necessary to maintain my faith at all times so that I may continue to grow in my spiritual journey. So please know that my words are written with the Holy Ghost beside me, whether it sounds like it or not.

I have come to hate Saturdays. I know that every day is a gift from our Heavenly Father and another opportunity to do good, study the Scriptures, teach our children, and praise His name. Saturdays have been so difficult ever since Jesse took his job back in December, as he works Tuesday thru Saturday...the kids are home and they are, in my eldest sons words, "bored stiff".

In fact, he was so bored earlier that he decided to start arbitrarily throwing things at his younger brother and sister, raising his voice at them and causing a horrible raucous. I called Ben in to talk to him (no easy feat, although I was calm as a cucumber the whole time) about his awful behavior, thinking there was some deeper underlying cause for him to be so angry. At first, he stormed out of the room with a (for lack of a better term) "screw you" attitude. So I raised my voice and lowered the Mommy BOOM for him to come back and asked him why he was so angry with me, his sister, and little brother.

He simply stated he wasn't angry at us, but was just bored and couldn't help acting out when he was bored like that. Seven million toys, cable television, video games, computer games (including the limited FaceBook page I set up for the 2 older kids to play games on), or, ***gasp*** spending time with Mom were obviously not viable options. Instead he chose to harass the three of us to the point where we're all scared to deal with him.

It goes back to an earlier post about "picking my battles" with Ben. I decided that, given my physical condition right now (pounding headache and stress-induced stomach cramps), I decided that this was not a battle I was up for fighting. As long as I keep the little ones out of the path of "Himicane Benjamin", I feel I'm doing all I can right now. Jesse will be home soon, and in one way, I hope Ben is good for him. Another part of me feels that it would make sense if Jess knew exactly what went on during these times of trouble.

Today's **battle** wasn't bad because I gave in. It was not fair to my other children that Ben was breaking the rules and not getting punished; they are too young to understand all it takes out of me when I decide to stand firm and choose to **battle** Ben, which would be every day over one thing or another. I hear "It's not fair," quite a bit out of my daughter's mouth, and she's right. It's not fair. To me, to her and our youngest, and really, to Ben. But I cannot afford the consistency that Ben's disorders (ADHD & ODD) require.

It makes me sad that I can't be everything I need to be for my children. But I know that, as they say, admitting there is a problem is the first step. Again, in a previous blog you may have read that we have appointments scheduled with Developmental Pediatricians and Psychologists for Ben, just to see if we can find out where all this anger stems from.

He is my son and I love him dearly. No matter what I will always love him. And just when I think I'm at my lowest point and ready to give up on him, I remember that sweet, innocent, miraculous infant we prayed for for so long. I remember the priviledge of getting up with him overnight to feed and change him; to bathe him, to feed him, to rock him, and to panic when he was sick. I remember his milestones like they were yesterday...rolling, scooting, sitting, crawling, creeping, walking, talking, running, etc. Seems like since he started talking and running, he hasn't stopped. The time goes so fast.

But those memories are so dear to me, even as we expanded our family, Ben continued to be the center of attention. His behavior didn't really start becoming unbearable until he was around 4 1/2 years old or so. What changed? Nothing, besides Nicky's diagnoses of global developmental delays and Autism. This was the only major familial change at this time, but I can't wrap my head around the thought that this would change Ben to the point of his Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The ADHD is so common that I was not surprised when he was diagnosed with it.

I just wish I could get to the bottom of his anger issues, which are clearly directed at me. All I can do is keep his appointments and pray, pray, pray...

Lost

I am lost this afternoon. Lost in the throes of "picking my battles" with my eldest son, who is 9 1/2 years old. For some reason this child thinks it is okay to disrespect me: not some, but all of the time. He is oppositional and defiant, frequently lies, curses at me (or usually spells out the curse words to me rather), and at times even becomes extremely violent with me during our whirlwind relationship.

He also refuses to use the bathroom ~ and no matter how we approach this incredibly embarrassing issue (positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, nonchalance, "star charts", and flat out bribery with money or candy!) And it is very costly; especially because our youngest is still not potty-trained, but having special needs, this is not uncommon. All of this is extremely embarrassing, truly it is.

Feeling like the worst mother in the world when he chooses to partake in this behavior, I must admit that my son and I are, for the most part, oil and water. This makes me incredibly sad.

Soon he will start seeing a Psychologist, and he's already receiving care from Children's Hospital's Dept. of Behavioral & Developmental Pediatrics. Hopefully the therapist will be helpful in figuring out what makes him so angry and act out.

I know that Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can handle. But He sure must have a lot of confidence in me.

Trouble In Paradise...

Today is Wednesday. Since Monday, for one reason or another, Nicky's schedule has been "off", thus putting him into fits of rage, temper tantrums, and non-stop crying. It's enough to make anyone batty ~ and although the other parents at his bus stop are aware of his Autism and delayed development, the screams and screeches pierce so loudly that all conversation stop. It's embarrassing.

Ben's behavior was also extremely over~the~top tonight as well. After I walked to pick up the kids at the bus Brother Blackham and his son Mason were visiting us this evening to do a lesson, and Ben was smelly, loud, and obnoxious the entire time. No respect for any one. And his rude behavior rubbed off on Jessica, who couldn't stop giggling the entire time.

Poor Jesse has worked late both yesterday and today. So far it's turning out to be a busy~bee week for him. Booooo!

Well watching Harry on American Idol has cheered me up, if only temporarily, so I don't feel the need to continue my ranting and raving. Maybe I'll post more later for all you eager readers who are hungry for the details of my existance...heh!

Ahhh, Freak Out!

So I know I'm not a great housekeeper. I hate housework, that is for sure. I'm more of a bill-paying / coupon clipping / grocery shopping kind of gal. I'm not a messy person and I personally clean up after myself, but with a family of five, our place is going to get messy if not downright dirty if I only do what's necessary to get by. Which, ashamedly, I admit is all I generally do on a daily basis - to get us by.

It is worth it to note that my husband also hates housework, but often begrudgingly helps out when he isn't working. So it's in my kids' DNA for sure to despise housework as well, but they don't clean up after themselves and just can't seem to keep their rooms tidy, ever.

Having three pack-rat children is enough to equal bedroom messes of gargantuan proportions if not cleaned on a multiple-times-per-day basis. Add to this fact that one child has a major behavior disorder and another is Autistic and in order to keep our home neat and tidy 100% of the time, I'd need to be following these children around physically picking up their discards 100% of the time during which they are awake and at home. My Autistic 6 y.o. is more on a 2-3 y.o. level when it comes to social function, under which listening and following directions falls. Therefore, he is understandably no help when it comes to straightening up, and the older children find this unfair. He is usually responsible for making the most mess in the common areas and definitely the most responsible for the boys' bedroom mess. He dumps toy boxes. What more can be said?

Now for the *freak out* ~ our apartment complex sent out a memo detailing a point by point inspection of all apartments would be done sometime this week, basically a white glove test. They will be looking in closets, cabinets, and everywhere in between. IF our blinds are broken or missing (which they are in every room, thanks to our illegal cats which as of last night no longer live here *tear*) we are responsible for the cost of replacement. Same thing with all the other standard stuff apartment complexes can get you on.

I am obviously freaking out way to much about this inspection. Last night I dreamed that while one person was inspecting my apartment, another was inspecting my fingernails, asking me why they were so dirty and misshapen! Well, a bit misshapen they may be, but dirty fingernails, nosiree!

Just taking a break from cracking the whip on my own back to clean the boys' room. Yesterday I got our bedroom and Jessica's bedroom done; the cats and nearly ten bags of dirty laundry went to Grandma's house. I'm ashamed to admit that I generally only do what's necessary to get by. How did we accumulate ten bags of laundry and still have some left here?

The plan for today is to finish the boys' bedroom and work on the kitchen. This will leave the storage closet and touch-up cleaning in the bathroom, etc.