Me, Oh My, What Can the Matter Be?

It is liberating that I've decided that I don't necessarily have to inject humor into all of my blogs. Instead, no matter what the subject of my blog is about, I make sure I find a way to bring my faith into play and do the best I can to let the Spirit guide me while I write.

Because while it might not be as interesting as the witty words I used to make life seem like a barrel of (if dysfunctional,) monkeys, it is incredibly necessary to maintain my faith at all times so that I may continue to grow in my spiritual journey. So please know that my words are written with the Holy Ghost beside me, whether it sounds like it or not.

I have come to hate Saturdays. I know that every day is a gift from our Heavenly Father and another opportunity to do good, study the Scriptures, teach our children, and praise His name. Saturdays have been so difficult ever since Jesse took his job back in December, as he works Tuesday thru Saturday...the kids are home and they are, in my eldest sons words, "bored stiff".

In fact, he was so bored earlier that he decided to start arbitrarily throwing things at his younger brother and sister, raising his voice at them and causing a horrible raucous. I called Ben in to talk to him (no easy feat, although I was calm as a cucumber the whole time) about his awful behavior, thinking there was some deeper underlying cause for him to be so angry. At first, he stormed out of the room with a (for lack of a better term) "screw you" attitude. So I raised my voice and lowered the Mommy BOOM for him to come back and asked him why he was so angry with me, his sister, and little brother.

He simply stated he wasn't angry at us, but was just bored and couldn't help acting out when he was bored like that. Seven million toys, cable television, video games, computer games (including the limited FaceBook page I set up for the 2 older kids to play games on), or, ***gasp*** spending time with Mom were obviously not viable options. Instead he chose to harass the three of us to the point where we're all scared to deal with him.

It goes back to an earlier post about "picking my battles" with Ben. I decided that, given my physical condition right now (pounding headache and stress-induced stomach cramps), I decided that this was not a battle I was up for fighting. As long as I keep the little ones out of the path of "Himicane Benjamin", I feel I'm doing all I can right now. Jesse will be home soon, and in one way, I hope Ben is good for him. Another part of me feels that it would make sense if Jess knew exactly what went on during these times of trouble.

Today's **battle** wasn't bad because I gave in. It was not fair to my other children that Ben was breaking the rules and not getting punished; they are too young to understand all it takes out of me when I decide to stand firm and choose to **battle** Ben, which would be every day over one thing or another. I hear "It's not fair," quite a bit out of my daughter's mouth, and she's right. It's not fair. To me, to her and our youngest, and really, to Ben. But I cannot afford the consistency that Ben's disorders (ADHD & ODD) require.

It makes me sad that I can't be everything I need to be for my children. But I know that, as they say, admitting there is a problem is the first step. Again, in a previous blog you may have read that we have appointments scheduled with Developmental Pediatricians and Psychologists for Ben, just to see if we can find out where all this anger stems from.

He is my son and I love him dearly. No matter what I will always love him. And just when I think I'm at my lowest point and ready to give up on him, I remember that sweet, innocent, miraculous infant we prayed for for so long. I remember the priviledge of getting up with him overnight to feed and change him; to bathe him, to feed him, to rock him, and to panic when he was sick. I remember his milestones like they were yesterday...rolling, scooting, sitting, crawling, creeping, walking, talking, running, etc. Seems like since he started talking and running, he hasn't stopped. The time goes so fast.

But those memories are so dear to me, even as we expanded our family, Ben continued to be the center of attention. His behavior didn't really start becoming unbearable until he was around 4 1/2 years old or so. What changed? Nothing, besides Nicky's diagnoses of global developmental delays and Autism. This was the only major familial change at this time, but I can't wrap my head around the thought that this would change Ben to the point of his Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The ADHD is so common that I was not surprised when he was diagnosed with it.

I just wish I could get to the bottom of his anger issues, which are clearly directed at me. All I can do is keep his appointments and pray, pray, pray...

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

I am thankful that I am one of those people who can refrain (most of the time) from wearing my heart on my sleeve. I get so many mixed messages from the world around me about how to deal with the pent-up feelings I have going on inside; if I were to be as outwardly emotional as I felt, I'd be a wreck all of the time.

This isn't to say that all of my emotions are sad or angry, frustration or fear...but having said that, I guess I've learned that bittersweet moments are so rare in my life. Instead of being in constant emotional flux, I'd so much rather focus on one emotion at a time. I believe it would make me more productive, more focused; and as I wrote in my prior blog I NEED to develop some productive focus to develop goals and get them done.

Again, to refer back to my earlier blog, when I was super-house-wife / nanny, I had all of those emotions pushed so far down inside of me, I never had to deal with them, ever. My addiction to painkillers was the final straw in numbing such terrible feelings that I didn't want to cope with. Once I 'overcame' the addiction (once you're an addict, you're always an addict, although if you're clean you're considered "in recovery" or "recovered"), a tidal wave of emotion came crashing in all around me and I began to drown in it.

Now, nearly four years later, I know better than to stuff all of my feelings way down inside, but I still need to find constructive ways to deal with certain emotions. I've been seeing my Dr., my therapist, and I've started this blog.

When I first started the blog, I was going to keep everything very 'vanilla' and not mention any of my 'sordid' past. But since this is, essentially, my diary, I decided to write whatever I feel I need to. if you are reading too, hopefully you recognize that no one but our Heavenly Father has the power or right to judge me...but I'd love any of your comments or suggestions.

So I guess the question is...is there anybody out there? And how do you FEEL today?

To scream or not to scream...

Okay, so in my very first blog I tried to stay positive, despite all of the crap that was gumming up my life right now. I figured if I remained upbeat and concentrated on my blessings that the feeling of dread and fear would dissipate a little bit. No such luck, it turns out.

Only change from last Friday to now is that I'm more stressed out than last week. Unfortunate, eh?

I can't even write a decent blog today. My nerves are shot. Constant distraction thanks to the kiddos, who don't know any better. I'm trying so hard not to let the grown-up problems affecting hubs and me to trickle down on to them. That's hard to do, and I have to make a conscientious effort not to spill over in front of them; for that would do all of us no good.

I know what it means to miss New Orleans

There are only a few truly 'defining' moments in my life. The birth of my children, marrying my husband, and becoming a Mormon stand out in my mind. But right at the top of my 'list' would be my first trip to New Orleans, LA in February 2008. From the moment I could see the mighty Mississippi River from the airplane, my heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was coming home.

Stepping outside of the airport, drawing my first breath of New Orleans' air, feeling New Orleans' earth beneath my feet, and watching the people hustling and bustling by as I was engulfed with the city's metropolitan sounds swelling around me was surreal. Taking it all in was nearly impossible and I had to take pause before I motored to my hotel...I guess because I always said I'd make it to New Orleans, but I never actually believed I'd get there. During my brief but incredibly eventful stay, I took in as much as possible of the city I love.

I visited with my local musician friends, two of whom are a part of Harry Connick, Jr.'s big band. The entire time I was there, Harry was in town coordinating all of the music for the NBA All-Star Weekend, which was being held in New Orleans, coincidentally! Mardi Gras had just ended, a week or so earlier, so there were still beads hanging from the occasional tree branch or caught in a trolley track...a common sight for the locals, I'm sure, but super exciting for me ~ authentic MG beads!!! And I didn't even have to compromise my morals to obtain them!!! Heh.

Another friend of mine (who is in real estate) was kind enough to give me a tour of the FEMA disaster areas and Harry's Musicians' Village site he was building through Habitat for Humanity.

When it was time to say goodbye to my beloved city, I boarded the plane, quite depressed. I wasn't finished!! And just because I'd promised myself I'd come back, I was never certain it would actually happen.

Coming home was so bittersweet. As terrible as it sounds, I wasn't gone long enough to be homesick! Seeing the kids waiting for me at the airport was a delight, but coming back to Cincinnati's frigid negative wind chill factors and icy roads was definitely no fun.

As the song goes, "Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans?" ~~~~ YES, I certainly do!

The good news, no, great news is that I'm goin' back!!! March 3rd!!! And I can't wait. Dad is taking me along to EPICon 2010 (Electronic Publisher's Internet Connection's annual writer's convention. Along with meeting some very cool authors and networking for my Dad's publishing company, we'll be taking a cruise on the Steamboat Natchez and staying at the Sheraton on Canal Street. Sooooo nice! Thank you, Daddy, for taking me along...I could not have asked for a more amazing gift! This was truly straight from his heart. I just hope I can show him a good time there and give him even a taste of the city I love so much. I do know we will forever have these memories that are yet to come but will be simply fabulous!

Keeping My Head Above Water

All week long, I feel like I've been treading water in a really chilly ocean. Like a buoy, I bob up and down, taking a quick breath when ever I can, and plugging my nose when I can't. Without going into exact detail, let's just say I've been pushed under water financially quite a lot this week. And there are other frustrations nagging at me as well.

Now, mind you, I've not given up, not by any means; this week just seems extraordinarily difficult. Since converting to the LDS, I know that the Holy Ghost is my constant companion. Having Jesus in my life gives me a sense of comfort and is my anchor. Our Heavenly Father is my lighthouse, my beacon of light, if you will. Having said this, I must remember it when a trial presents itself and I feel my head slipping below the surface of the water again.

The Lord fortifies me with every breath I take. I put my trust in His hands. And although I may be treading water in that chilly ocean, there have been no storms to speak of.