Lucky Girl

I am so disgusted with myself a lot of the time. No matter what I do, it's not enough compared to what I used to do on a daily basis. Hard to believe that I could care for my own three children (as babies / toddlers) and 2 additional 3 year olds, clip coupons, comparison shop, stockpile, pay the bills, straighten up the house several times per day, do laundry, and have a relatively successful mini-side business selling on eBay.

The changes I've made since I was that person have been severe. Some of them have been for the better (for instance, I'm physically healthier since cutting my weight in half and have found the one true Church which has been such a blessing in my life). A lot of the changes that have been made in my life were not my choices but all stemmed from my own stupid mistakes. So even though I didn't make these decisions, my actions have caused a lot of the problems in my family's life.

I am a lucky girl, however, because I have a very caring and forgiving husband. He works hard to support this family and is understanding of my condition most of the time. Even when he gets frustrated and yells and hollers about this or that not being done, he technically has every right. Why I can't get things done I can't figure out.

Up until right before Jesse started back to working after being unemployed for 16 months, I was a Managing Cosmetology student. I'm not sure why, but toward the time Jesse got his job, I wasn't heartbroken that I'd have to leave school for good. Now I miss it. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the sense of purpose. I don't miss all the drama, cursing, rumors, drug deals, and other evils that occurred there.

Maybe I am lonely. It is a feeling I get a lot, even when I'm on the phone with someone, and especially when I am with my kids.

Maybe I'm exhausted. I can't seem to sleep enough and I'm always tired and 'sick' in some form or fashion.

But I'm a lucky girl still...because I personally know of stronger, better women than I whom have gone through worse challenges and have faced horrible tragedies but stood firm and continued to do what needed to be done, instead of shutting down.

This lucky girl needs to learn to function again. Admitting I want to be steadfast in this goal is a good first step, I think.

Keeping My Head Above Water

All week long, I feel like I've been treading water in a really chilly ocean. Like a buoy, I bob up and down, taking a quick breath when ever I can, and plugging my nose when I can't. Without going into exact detail, let's just say I've been pushed under water financially quite a lot this week. And there are other frustrations nagging at me as well.

Now, mind you, I've not given up, not by any means; this week just seems extraordinarily difficult. Since converting to the LDS, I know that the Holy Ghost is my constant companion. Having Jesus in my life gives me a sense of comfort and is my anchor. Our Heavenly Father is my lighthouse, my beacon of light, if you will. Having said this, I must remember it when a trial presents itself and I feel my head slipping below the surface of the water again.

The Lord fortifies me with every breath I take. I put my trust in His hands. And although I may be treading water in that chilly ocean, there have been no storms to speak of.