Blah blah blah blog

Well, after major cleaning, we survived the "white glove test" inspection of our apartment. I have, in large part, to thank my Mother- and Father-In-Law for coming over and helping us out by putting up new blinds and even window treatments. They look very pretty and are a small push to keep me moving in the right direction in terms of keeping the place looking nice.

So far, even though the inspection was almost two weeks ago, we have managed to keep the place relatively neat and tidy. Today I actually scrubbed the entire bathroom, paid rent, folded (some of the) laundry, got the kids on and off the bus, obtained a parking pass from our apt complex's office, and dealt with Nicky's major meltdowns. He must be going through a stage or something, because he is always crying when he gets off the bus. For the most part, he cries off and on for the rest of the night until he goes to sleep.

Our current issues are that we are in a major financial crunch. Due to some serious confusion on the part our merry-go-round of apartment management, we apparently owe an extra $386 by the end of May. Rent for this month has been taken care of, but we are behind on all of our other bills and Jesse's already taken out a payday loan. We need a budget that works for us. There is no reason we shouldn't be able to make ends meet. Right now my cell phone is turned off because we couldn't afford to pay the bill.

Something has got to give. Hopefully it won't be my sanity. Heh.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

I am thankful that I am one of those people who can refrain (most of the time) from wearing my heart on my sleeve. I get so many mixed messages from the world around me about how to deal with the pent-up feelings I have going on inside; if I were to be as outwardly emotional as I felt, I'd be a wreck all of the time.

This isn't to say that all of my emotions are sad or angry, frustration or fear...but having said that, I guess I've learned that bittersweet moments are so rare in my life. Instead of being in constant emotional flux, I'd so much rather focus on one emotion at a time. I believe it would make me more productive, more focused; and as I wrote in my prior blog I NEED to develop some productive focus to develop goals and get them done.

Again, to refer back to my earlier blog, when I was super-house-wife / nanny, I had all of those emotions pushed so far down inside of me, I never had to deal with them, ever. My addiction to painkillers was the final straw in numbing such terrible feelings that I didn't want to cope with. Once I 'overcame' the addiction (once you're an addict, you're always an addict, although if you're clean you're considered "in recovery" or "recovered"), a tidal wave of emotion came crashing in all around me and I began to drown in it.

Now, nearly four years later, I know better than to stuff all of my feelings way down inside, but I still need to find constructive ways to deal with certain emotions. I've been seeing my Dr., my therapist, and I've started this blog.

When I first started the blog, I was going to keep everything very 'vanilla' and not mention any of my 'sordid' past. But since this is, essentially, my diary, I decided to write whatever I feel I need to. if you are reading too, hopefully you recognize that no one but our Heavenly Father has the power or right to judge me...but I'd love any of your comments or suggestions.

So I guess the question is...is there anybody out there? And how do you FEEL today?

Lucky Girl

I am so disgusted with myself a lot of the time. No matter what I do, it's not enough compared to what I used to do on a daily basis. Hard to believe that I could care for my own three children (as babies / toddlers) and 2 additional 3 year olds, clip coupons, comparison shop, stockpile, pay the bills, straighten up the house several times per day, do laundry, and have a relatively successful mini-side business selling on eBay.

The changes I've made since I was that person have been severe. Some of them have been for the better (for instance, I'm physically healthier since cutting my weight in half and have found the one true Church which has been such a blessing in my life). A lot of the changes that have been made in my life were not my choices but all stemmed from my own stupid mistakes. So even though I didn't make these decisions, my actions have caused a lot of the problems in my family's life.

I am a lucky girl, however, because I have a very caring and forgiving husband. He works hard to support this family and is understanding of my condition most of the time. Even when he gets frustrated and yells and hollers about this or that not being done, he technically has every right. Why I can't get things done I can't figure out.

Up until right before Jesse started back to working after being unemployed for 16 months, I was a Managing Cosmetology student. I'm not sure why, but toward the time Jesse got his job, I wasn't heartbroken that I'd have to leave school for good. Now I miss it. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the sense of purpose. I don't miss all the drama, cursing, rumors, drug deals, and other evils that occurred there.

Maybe I am lonely. It is a feeling I get a lot, even when I'm on the phone with someone, and especially when I am with my kids.

Maybe I'm exhausted. I can't seem to sleep enough and I'm always tired and 'sick' in some form or fashion.

But I'm a lucky girl still...because I personally know of stronger, better women than I whom have gone through worse challenges and have faced horrible tragedies but stood firm and continued to do what needed to be done, instead of shutting down.

This lucky girl needs to learn to function again. Admitting I want to be steadfast in this goal is a good first step, I think.