Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

I am thankful that I am one of those people who can refrain (most of the time) from wearing my heart on my sleeve. I get so many mixed messages from the world around me about how to deal with the pent-up feelings I have going on inside; if I were to be as outwardly emotional as I felt, I'd be a wreck all of the time.

This isn't to say that all of my emotions are sad or angry, frustration or fear...but having said that, I guess I've learned that bittersweet moments are so rare in my life. Instead of being in constant emotional flux, I'd so much rather focus on one emotion at a time. I believe it would make me more productive, more focused; and as I wrote in my prior blog I NEED to develop some productive focus to develop goals and get them done.

Again, to refer back to my earlier blog, when I was super-house-wife / nanny, I had all of those emotions pushed so far down inside of me, I never had to deal with them, ever. My addiction to painkillers was the final straw in numbing such terrible feelings that I didn't want to cope with. Once I 'overcame' the addiction (once you're an addict, you're always an addict, although if you're clean you're considered "in recovery" or "recovered"), a tidal wave of emotion came crashing in all around me and I began to drown in it.

Now, nearly four years later, I know better than to stuff all of my feelings way down inside, but I still need to find constructive ways to deal with certain emotions. I've been seeing my Dr., my therapist, and I've started this blog.

When I first started the blog, I was going to keep everything very 'vanilla' and not mention any of my 'sordid' past. But since this is, essentially, my diary, I decided to write whatever I feel I need to. if you are reading too, hopefully you recognize that no one but our Heavenly Father has the power or right to judge me...but I'd love any of your comments or suggestions.

So I guess the question is...is there anybody out there? And how do you FEEL today?