Ward Memorial Day Picnic

Our Ward had an absolute wonderful Memorial Day picnic today; it was sunny and warm and the perfect day for a picnic. We had a small-ish parade, a not-to-long speech on the relevance of the day, plenty of food, and then activities: sack races (which I've never done in my entire 34 years!)

• the human knot (a lot harder than it sounds and a great icebreaker)
• an egg toss (which ended very messily for the team that won ~ poor Sister Ehlers!)

My two older kids refused to participate in the sack races, and although I hadn't planned on it, when they called for all the "little children" up to participate, I asked if I could help Nicky with his jumping and everyone said, "OF COURSE!" We still came in last, but we did it our way.

On the way back, my back was killing me so bad, I just picked Nicky up, sack and all, and carried him back to the finish line. All the while he was giggling and squealing so I know he loved it!

All in all, we had a great time and it was a good way to spend our 15-year wedding anniversary.

Me, Oh My, What Can the Matter Be?

It is liberating that I've decided that I don't necessarily have to inject humor into all of my blogs. Instead, no matter what the subject of my blog is about, I make sure I find a way to bring my faith into play and do the best I can to let the Spirit guide me while I write.

Because while it might not be as interesting as the witty words I used to make life seem like a barrel of (if dysfunctional,) monkeys, it is incredibly necessary to maintain my faith at all times so that I may continue to grow in my spiritual journey. So please know that my words are written with the Holy Ghost beside me, whether it sounds like it or not.

I have come to hate Saturdays. I know that every day is a gift from our Heavenly Father and another opportunity to do good, study the Scriptures, teach our children, and praise His name. Saturdays have been so difficult ever since Jesse took his job back in December, as he works Tuesday thru Saturday...the kids are home and they are, in my eldest sons words, "bored stiff".

In fact, he was so bored earlier that he decided to start arbitrarily throwing things at his younger brother and sister, raising his voice at them and causing a horrible raucous. I called Ben in to talk to him (no easy feat, although I was calm as a cucumber the whole time) about his awful behavior, thinking there was some deeper underlying cause for him to be so angry. At first, he stormed out of the room with a (for lack of a better term) "screw you" attitude. So I raised my voice and lowered the Mommy BOOM for him to come back and asked him why he was so angry with me, his sister, and little brother.

He simply stated he wasn't angry at us, but was just bored and couldn't help acting out when he was bored like that. Seven million toys, cable television, video games, computer games (including the limited FaceBook page I set up for the 2 older kids to play games on), or, ***gasp*** spending time with Mom were obviously not viable options. Instead he chose to harass the three of us to the point where we're all scared to deal with him.

It goes back to an earlier post about "picking my battles" with Ben. I decided that, given my physical condition right now (pounding headache and stress-induced stomach cramps), I decided that this was not a battle I was up for fighting. As long as I keep the little ones out of the path of "Himicane Benjamin", I feel I'm doing all I can right now. Jesse will be home soon, and in one way, I hope Ben is good for him. Another part of me feels that it would make sense if Jess knew exactly what went on during these times of trouble.

Today's **battle** wasn't bad because I gave in. It was not fair to my other children that Ben was breaking the rules and not getting punished; they are too young to understand all it takes out of me when I decide to stand firm and choose to **battle** Ben, which would be every day over one thing or another. I hear "It's not fair," quite a bit out of my daughter's mouth, and she's right. It's not fair. To me, to her and our youngest, and really, to Ben. But I cannot afford the consistency that Ben's disorders (ADHD & ODD) require.

It makes me sad that I can't be everything I need to be for my children. But I know that, as they say, admitting there is a problem is the first step. Again, in a previous blog you may have read that we have appointments scheduled with Developmental Pediatricians and Psychologists for Ben, just to see if we can find out where all this anger stems from.

He is my son and I love him dearly. No matter what I will always love him. And just when I think I'm at my lowest point and ready to give up on him, I remember that sweet, innocent, miraculous infant we prayed for for so long. I remember the priviledge of getting up with him overnight to feed and change him; to bathe him, to feed him, to rock him, and to panic when he was sick. I remember his milestones like they were yesterday...rolling, scooting, sitting, crawling, creeping, walking, talking, running, etc. Seems like since he started talking and running, he hasn't stopped. The time goes so fast.

But those memories are so dear to me, even as we expanded our family, Ben continued to be the center of attention. His behavior didn't really start becoming unbearable until he was around 4 1/2 years old or so. What changed? Nothing, besides Nicky's diagnoses of global developmental delays and Autism. This was the only major familial change at this time, but I can't wrap my head around the thought that this would change Ben to the point of his Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The ADHD is so common that I was not surprised when he was diagnosed with it.

I just wish I could get to the bottom of his anger issues, which are clearly directed at me. All I can do is keep his appointments and pray, pray, pray...

Here Comes the Rain Again

Disclaimer: this blog starts out with some background info, but my opinion is that it becomes rather profound as you read. Hope you enjoy! ;-P

Well, the weather outside is frightful! I never really thought much about thunderstorms; living in Cincinnati they are not uncommon, especially in spring. The only thing that bothers me about them is I'm gripped with paralyzing fear if I'm trying to drive in rain (even if it's not storming). But that's another blog entirely...

All day today, it has been raining off and on. Around 5 pm, the sky opened up and rain poured and the thunderstorms started. Despite the storms, Jesse took the kids to the school carnival (what a great guy!) to give me some peace and quiet...

But an hour or so into my kid~free quiet time, an ear~splitting crash of thunder and a simultaneous huge bolt of electricity struck right outside my window. Even though I wan't sleeping, this really woke me up to some things that I have obviously been ignoring for quite awhile. I have been so ignorant of the tragic natural disasters that have recently happened in the world; I simply avoid watching the news, reading newspapers, and even stories on the internet. Too depressing.

The incidence of thunder and lightning stemming from this incredibly intense storm made my heart skip ever so briefly, and I thought, if only for a moment, "What happens if that lightning just struck a tree and it falls on the building?" Within five minutes or so, I concluded that this fear was an irrational one, because a) the trees aren't tall enough to reach the apartment, even if one was to fall, and b) we are on the second floor of a 3~story apartment complex. At one point during my five minutes of worry and woe, I flashed to the panic, turmoil, sorrow, and pain that people must experience during hurricanes, tsunamis, and earthquakes. I am prone to panic attacks. Didn't have one. Thank you, Holy Ghost.

I am so grateful to Heavenly Father that this Cincinnati dweller and her family will more than likely ever have to experience such natural disasters as these.

If you know me at all, you know I absolutely love New Orleans (NOLA)...and Hurricane Katrina ravaged the majority of my beautiful and most favorite city on 8/29/05. Then along came Hurricane Rita (9/25/05) which flooded NOLA once again before she even hit land. Rita destroyed all the tiny seedling of progress that had been made in the rebuilding efforts, which had only just started. My heart still breaks for "All These People" (a Harry Connick, Jr. song written about the condition of NOLA, his hometown, immediately following Katrina).

Since the NOLA tragedy, I honestly cannot remember any specific natural disasters ~ even though Katrina was almost five years ago. I didn't listen to the news or read any newspapers because it depressed me; therefore I didn't pay attention and therefore I did nothing to help. Ever. I helped in NOLA and still do when I can. I think about NOLA and Hurricane Katrina everyday. I know, it's not normal.

This made me realize that I am being with my charity. I have a vested interest in rebuilding NOLA and seeing it "live again" because I have friends there and, as I mentioned earlier, I am crazy in love with the city. I need to develop a bigger heart to and a thicker skin so I can do as much as possible wherever disaster strikes.

Right now, I cannot contribute monetarily or physically to any of the places hit by natural disasters, simply because I'm broke and can't afford to travel. I want to help, though. So what can I do?

I can:

• Pray for people affected by such tragedies & remember those who've died
• Thank Heavenly Father for putting my problems into perspective
• Tithe; I know the Church of Jesus Christ of LDS allocates funds to help in crises worldwide
• Keep my family strong and steadfast, teaching them compassion for others
• Serve others to the best of my abilities and talents whenever possible

Finally (and I will not *pretend* to have any expertise on this subject), from what I understand, it has been predicted both in the Bible(?) and by Prophets that in the latter days, the earth would suffer many natural disasters and mortal humans would be at war for many years. To me, this means that: a) I need to study the Scriptures more thoroughly and talk to someone who knows a bit more about this; and b) we are in the latter-days of human mortals inhabiting the earth. Again, this is my theory; I am not certain if it is Gospel.

This storm opened my eyes to the fact that we truly are in the latter days; this is all the more reason to follow the Scriptures and live the Gospel. In addition, I need to keep my finger on the pulse of the needs of others. One positive thing I can say about myself is that I am pretty sensitive and empathetic of how someone else is feeling and I'm a good listener.

While I love seeing my friends and other Ward Members from Church, I do have to be alone or only with the kids, who aren't the best conversationalists. So sometimes I just have to rely on the Holy Ghost for comfort; and it makes me want to pray more. Tonight I was alone and, even though it was just for a few minutes, scared silly. I know the Holy Ghost was with me, because I was able to stay calm. I need to pray more, because you can never pray too much, right?

And I need to thank Heavenly Father for sending me a constant companion to, literally, weather the storm with me.

Lost

I am lost this afternoon. Lost in the throes of "picking my battles" with my eldest son, who is 9 1/2 years old. For some reason this child thinks it is okay to disrespect me: not some, but all of the time. He is oppositional and defiant, frequently lies, curses at me (or usually spells out the curse words to me rather), and at times even becomes extremely violent with me during our whirlwind relationship.

He also refuses to use the bathroom ~ and no matter how we approach this incredibly embarrassing issue (positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, nonchalance, "star charts", and flat out bribery with money or candy!) And it is very costly; especially because our youngest is still not potty-trained, but having special needs, this is not uncommon. All of this is extremely embarrassing, truly it is.

Feeling like the worst mother in the world when he chooses to partake in this behavior, I must admit that my son and I are, for the most part, oil and water. This makes me incredibly sad.

Soon he will start seeing a Psychologist, and he's already receiving care from Children's Hospital's Dept. of Behavioral & Developmental Pediatrics. Hopefully the therapist will be helpful in figuring out what makes him so angry and act out.

I know that Heavenly Father doesn't give us more than we can handle. But He sure must have a lot of confidence in me.

Trouble In Paradise...

Today is Wednesday. Since Monday, for one reason or another, Nicky's schedule has been "off", thus putting him into fits of rage, temper tantrums, and non-stop crying. It's enough to make anyone batty ~ and although the other parents at his bus stop are aware of his Autism and delayed development, the screams and screeches pierce so loudly that all conversation stop. It's embarrassing.

Ben's behavior was also extremely over~the~top tonight as well. After I walked to pick up the kids at the bus Brother Blackham and his son Mason were visiting us this evening to do a lesson, and Ben was smelly, loud, and obnoxious the entire time. No respect for any one. And his rude behavior rubbed off on Jessica, who couldn't stop giggling the entire time.

Poor Jesse has worked late both yesterday and today. So far it's turning out to be a busy~bee week for him. Booooo!

Well watching Harry on American Idol has cheered me up, if only temporarily, so I don't feel the need to continue my ranting and raving. Maybe I'll post more later for all you eager readers who are hungry for the details of my existance...heh!

Blah blah blah blog

Well, after major cleaning, we survived the "white glove test" inspection of our apartment. I have, in large part, to thank my Mother- and Father-In-Law for coming over and helping us out by putting up new blinds and even window treatments. They look very pretty and are a small push to keep me moving in the right direction in terms of keeping the place looking nice.

So far, even though the inspection was almost two weeks ago, we have managed to keep the place relatively neat and tidy. Today I actually scrubbed the entire bathroom, paid rent, folded (some of the) laundry, got the kids on and off the bus, obtained a parking pass from our apt complex's office, and dealt with Nicky's major meltdowns. He must be going through a stage or something, because he is always crying when he gets off the bus. For the most part, he cries off and on for the rest of the night until he goes to sleep.

Our current issues are that we are in a major financial crunch. Due to some serious confusion on the part our merry-go-round of apartment management, we apparently owe an extra $386 by the end of May. Rent for this month has been taken care of, but we are behind on all of our other bills and Jesse's already taken out a payday loan. We need a budget that works for us. There is no reason we shouldn't be able to make ends meet. Right now my cell phone is turned off because we couldn't afford to pay the bill.

Something has got to give. Hopefully it won't be my sanity. Heh.

Heaven's Very Special Child

Whenever I am having a rough day with my Autistic son, I think back to this poem I found in one of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books and it helps me feel a bit better. I think it's beautiful. ~H~

Heaven's Very Special Child

A meeting was held very far from Earth;
"It's time again for another birth."
Said the angels to the Lord above,
"This special child will need much love.

His progress may seem very slow,
Accomplishments he may not show,
And he'll require extra care
From the folks he meets way down there.

He may not run or laugh or play,
His thoughts may seem quite far away.
In many ways he won't adapt,
And he'll be known as handicapped.

So let's be careful where he's sent,
We want his life to be content.
Please, Lord, find the parents who
Will do a special job for you.

The leading role they're asked to play,
But with this child sent from above
Come stronger faith and richer love.

And soon they'll know the privilege given
In caring for this gift from heaven.
Their precious charge so meek and mild,
Is heaven's very special child."

~John and Edna Massimilla~

Ahhh, Freak Out!

So I know I'm not a great housekeeper. I hate housework, that is for sure. I'm more of a bill-paying / coupon clipping / grocery shopping kind of gal. I'm not a messy person and I personally clean up after myself, but with a family of five, our place is going to get messy if not downright dirty if I only do what's necessary to get by. Which, ashamedly, I admit is all I generally do on a daily basis - to get us by.

It is worth it to note that my husband also hates housework, but often begrudgingly helps out when he isn't working. So it's in my kids' DNA for sure to despise housework as well, but they don't clean up after themselves and just can't seem to keep their rooms tidy, ever.

Having three pack-rat children is enough to equal bedroom messes of gargantuan proportions if not cleaned on a multiple-times-per-day basis. Add to this fact that one child has a major behavior disorder and another is Autistic and in order to keep our home neat and tidy 100% of the time, I'd need to be following these children around physically picking up their discards 100% of the time during which they are awake and at home. My Autistic 6 y.o. is more on a 2-3 y.o. level when it comes to social function, under which listening and following directions falls. Therefore, he is understandably no help when it comes to straightening up, and the older children find this unfair. He is usually responsible for making the most mess in the common areas and definitely the most responsible for the boys' bedroom mess. He dumps toy boxes. What more can be said?

Now for the *freak out* ~ our apartment complex sent out a memo detailing a point by point inspection of all apartments would be done sometime this week, basically a white glove test. They will be looking in closets, cabinets, and everywhere in between. IF our blinds are broken or missing (which they are in every room, thanks to our illegal cats which as of last night no longer live here *tear*) we are responsible for the cost of replacement. Same thing with all the other standard stuff apartment complexes can get you on.

I am obviously freaking out way to much about this inspection. Last night I dreamed that while one person was inspecting my apartment, another was inspecting my fingernails, asking me why they were so dirty and misshapen! Well, a bit misshapen they may be, but dirty fingernails, nosiree!

Just taking a break from cracking the whip on my own back to clean the boys' room. Yesterday I got our bedroom and Jessica's bedroom done; the cats and nearly ten bags of dirty laundry went to Grandma's house. I'm ashamed to admit that I generally only do what's necessary to get by. How did we accumulate ten bags of laundry and still have some left here?

The plan for today is to finish the boys' bedroom and work on the kitchen. This will leave the storage closet and touch-up cleaning in the bathroom, etc.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

I am thankful that I am one of those people who can refrain (most of the time) from wearing my heart on my sleeve. I get so many mixed messages from the world around me about how to deal with the pent-up feelings I have going on inside; if I were to be as outwardly emotional as I felt, I'd be a wreck all of the time.

This isn't to say that all of my emotions are sad or angry, frustration or fear...but having said that, I guess I've learned that bittersweet moments are so rare in my life. Instead of being in constant emotional flux, I'd so much rather focus on one emotion at a time. I believe it would make me more productive, more focused; and as I wrote in my prior blog I NEED to develop some productive focus to develop goals and get them done.

Again, to refer back to my earlier blog, when I was super-house-wife / nanny, I had all of those emotions pushed so far down inside of me, I never had to deal with them, ever. My addiction to painkillers was the final straw in numbing such terrible feelings that I didn't want to cope with. Once I 'overcame' the addiction (once you're an addict, you're always an addict, although if you're clean you're considered "in recovery" or "recovered"), a tidal wave of emotion came crashing in all around me and I began to drown in it.

Now, nearly four years later, I know better than to stuff all of my feelings way down inside, but I still need to find constructive ways to deal with certain emotions. I've been seeing my Dr., my therapist, and I've started this blog.

When I first started the blog, I was going to keep everything very 'vanilla' and not mention any of my 'sordid' past. But since this is, essentially, my diary, I decided to write whatever I feel I need to. if you are reading too, hopefully you recognize that no one but our Heavenly Father has the power or right to judge me...but I'd love any of your comments or suggestions.

So I guess the question is...is there anybody out there? And how do you FEEL today?

Lucky Girl

I am so disgusted with myself a lot of the time. No matter what I do, it's not enough compared to what I used to do on a daily basis. Hard to believe that I could care for my own three children (as babies / toddlers) and 2 additional 3 year olds, clip coupons, comparison shop, stockpile, pay the bills, straighten up the house several times per day, do laundry, and have a relatively successful mini-side business selling on eBay.

The changes I've made since I was that person have been severe. Some of them have been for the better (for instance, I'm physically healthier since cutting my weight in half and have found the one true Church which has been such a blessing in my life). A lot of the changes that have been made in my life were not my choices but all stemmed from my own stupid mistakes. So even though I didn't make these decisions, my actions have caused a lot of the problems in my family's life.

I am a lucky girl, however, because I have a very caring and forgiving husband. He works hard to support this family and is understanding of my condition most of the time. Even when he gets frustrated and yells and hollers about this or that not being done, he technically has every right. Why I can't get things done I can't figure out.

Up until right before Jesse started back to working after being unemployed for 16 months, I was a Managing Cosmetology student. I'm not sure why, but toward the time Jesse got his job, I wasn't heartbroken that I'd have to leave school for good. Now I miss it. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the sense of purpose. I don't miss all the drama, cursing, rumors, drug deals, and other evils that occurred there.

Maybe I am lonely. It is a feeling I get a lot, even when I'm on the phone with someone, and especially when I am with my kids.

Maybe I'm exhausted. I can't seem to sleep enough and I'm always tired and 'sick' in some form or fashion.

But I'm a lucky girl still...because I personally know of stronger, better women than I whom have gone through worse challenges and have faced horrible tragedies but stood firm and continued to do what needed to be done, instead of shutting down.

This lucky girl needs to learn to function again. Admitting I want to be steadfast in this goal is a good first step, I think.

Twenty Four Hours Seems So Far Away

Right about this time tomorrow (Wednesday), I'll be boarding a plane bound for my favorite city, New Orleans!! I am so excited and filled with a mix of emotions that wash over me when I realize how long today is actually going to seem for me. I couldn't sleep last night just thinking about my trip, so just know that tonight's slumber is going to present a major challenge.

When I visited two years ago, there was really no expectation, because I'd never been there before, I'd never met my 'roommates' in person, and I had my nightly activities pre-planned. Plus the kids were younger and school wasn't as much of an issue, plus Jesse had the week off work so he just stayed home with them.

Since this is technically a 'business trip', much of my itinerary is already in place and part of me worries that I just won't have time to do all the running around and sight~seeing that I will want to take part in.

Since I'm going with my Dad and he is partially disabled, I don't want him to feel left out because I felt the urge to go see a gig if I find out one of my boys is playing some night. This trip wouldn't even be possible without my Dad and I owe him absolutely everything...I would love to be able to explain why I love the city so much in words, but I simply cannot, so perhaps I'll have the chance to do so while we are there and I can show him some of the sights.

Regardless of my level of tourism vs. conference participation level, I'll be in New Orleans, which is awesome.

But today, the day before my trip, I am pregnant with anxiety; I feel like my nerves are swollen and overly sensitive. Putting my two eldest on the bus was bittersweet, because I know I won't see them again until Sunday evening. Right now, my youngest (who doesn't attend school until around lunchtime) is being quite a little pill! Although his special needs hold him back in some areas, he knows something is going on or that something different is about to happen. So he's giving me a hard time, and I'm guessing that will be until the very moment I put him on the bus today.

I'll be picked up around 2:30 this afternoon so Dad can avoid needing to get up extra~extra early and running into a.m. rush~hour traffic tomorrow a.m. picking me up on the way to the airport. I have the distinct feeling I'll be even more nervous at Mom & Dad's house, so I'll arm myself with my Scriptures & coloring materials. =P

I figured by the time I finished what must be an incredibly boring blog for anyone (but me) to read, I'd be hitting the 24~hour mark of when I'd actually be boarding the plane. And I have to say I'm pretty darn close.

To scream or not to scream...

Okay, so in my very first blog I tried to stay positive, despite all of the crap that was gumming up my life right now. I figured if I remained upbeat and concentrated on my blessings that the feeling of dread and fear would dissipate a little bit. No such luck, it turns out.

Only change from last Friday to now is that I'm more stressed out than last week. Unfortunate, eh?

I can't even write a decent blog today. My nerves are shot. Constant distraction thanks to the kiddos, who don't know any better. I'm trying so hard not to let the grown-up problems affecting hubs and me to trickle down on to them. That's hard to do, and I have to make a conscientious effort not to spill over in front of them; for that would do all of us no good.

I know what it means to miss New Orleans

There are only a few truly 'defining' moments in my life. The birth of my children, marrying my husband, and becoming a Mormon stand out in my mind. But right at the top of my 'list' would be my first trip to New Orleans, LA in February 2008. From the moment I could see the mighty Mississippi River from the airplane, my heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was coming home.

Stepping outside of the airport, drawing my first breath of New Orleans' air, feeling New Orleans' earth beneath my feet, and watching the people hustling and bustling by as I was engulfed with the city's metropolitan sounds swelling around me was surreal. Taking it all in was nearly impossible and I had to take pause before I motored to my hotel...I guess because I always said I'd make it to New Orleans, but I never actually believed I'd get there. During my brief but incredibly eventful stay, I took in as much as possible of the city I love.

I visited with my local musician friends, two of whom are a part of Harry Connick, Jr.'s big band. The entire time I was there, Harry was in town coordinating all of the music for the NBA All-Star Weekend, which was being held in New Orleans, coincidentally! Mardi Gras had just ended, a week or so earlier, so there were still beads hanging from the occasional tree branch or caught in a trolley track...a common sight for the locals, I'm sure, but super exciting for me ~ authentic MG beads!!! And I didn't even have to compromise my morals to obtain them!!! Heh.

Another friend of mine (who is in real estate) was kind enough to give me a tour of the FEMA disaster areas and Harry's Musicians' Village site he was building through Habitat for Humanity.

When it was time to say goodbye to my beloved city, I boarded the plane, quite depressed. I wasn't finished!! And just because I'd promised myself I'd come back, I was never certain it would actually happen.

Coming home was so bittersweet. As terrible as it sounds, I wasn't gone long enough to be homesick! Seeing the kids waiting for me at the airport was a delight, but coming back to Cincinnati's frigid negative wind chill factors and icy roads was definitely no fun.

As the song goes, "Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans?" ~~~~ YES, I certainly do!

The good news, no, great news is that I'm goin' back!!! March 3rd!!! And I can't wait. Dad is taking me along to EPICon 2010 (Electronic Publisher's Internet Connection's annual writer's convention. Along with meeting some very cool authors and networking for my Dad's publishing company, we'll be taking a cruise on the Steamboat Natchez and staying at the Sheraton on Canal Street. Sooooo nice! Thank you, Daddy, for taking me along...I could not have asked for a more amazing gift! This was truly straight from his heart. I just hope I can show him a good time there and give him even a taste of the city I love so much. I do know we will forever have these memories that are yet to come but will be simply fabulous!

Keeping My Head Above Water

All week long, I feel like I've been treading water in a really chilly ocean. Like a buoy, I bob up and down, taking a quick breath when ever I can, and plugging my nose when I can't. Without going into exact detail, let's just say I've been pushed under water financially quite a lot this week. And there are other frustrations nagging at me as well.

Now, mind you, I've not given up, not by any means; this week just seems extraordinarily difficult. Since converting to the LDS, I know that the Holy Ghost is my constant companion. Having Jesus in my life gives me a sense of comfort and is my anchor. Our Heavenly Father is my lighthouse, my beacon of light, if you will. Having said this, I must remember it when a trial presents itself and I feel my head slipping below the surface of the water again.

The Lord fortifies me with every breath I take. I put my trust in His hands. And although I may be treading water in that chilly ocean, there have been no storms to speak of.