The changes I've made since I was that person have been severe. Some of them have been for the better (for instance, I'm physically healthier since cutting my weight in half and have found the one true Church which has been such a blessing in my life). A lot of the changes that have been made in my life were not my choices but all stemmed from my own stupid mistakes. So even though I didn't make these decisions, my actions have caused a lot of the problems in my family's life.
I am a lucky girl, however, because I have a very caring and forgiving husband. He works hard to support this family and is understanding of my condition most of the time. Even when he gets frustrated and yells and hollers about this or that not being done, he technically has every right. Why I can't get things done I can't figure out.
Up until right before Jesse started back to working after being unemployed for 16 months, I was a Managing Cosmetology student. I'm not sure why, but toward the time Jesse got his job, I wasn't heartbroken that I'd have to leave school for good. Now I miss it. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the sense of purpose. I don't miss all the drama, cursing, rumors, drug deals, and other evils that occurred there.
Maybe I am lonely. It is a feeling I get a lot, even when I'm on the phone with someone, and especially when I am with my kids.
Maybe I'm exhausted. I can't seem to sleep enough and I'm always tired and 'sick' in some form or fashion.
But I'm a lucky girl still...because I personally know of stronger, better women than I whom have gone through worse challenges and have faced horrible tragedies but stood firm and continued to do what needed to be done, instead of shutting down.
This lucky girl needs to learn to function again. Admitting I want to be steadfast in this goal is a good first step, I think.
No comments:
Post a Comment