Heaven's Very Special Child

Whenever I am having a rough day with my Autistic son, I think back to this poem I found in one of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books and it helps me feel a bit better. I think it's beautiful. ~H~

Heaven's Very Special Child

A meeting was held very far from Earth;
"It's time again for another birth."
Said the angels to the Lord above,
"This special child will need much love.

His progress may seem very slow,
Accomplishments he may not show,
And he'll require extra care
From the folks he meets way down there.

He may not run or laugh or play,
His thoughts may seem quite far away.
In many ways he won't adapt,
And he'll be known as handicapped.

So let's be careful where he's sent,
We want his life to be content.
Please, Lord, find the parents who
Will do a special job for you.

The leading role they're asked to play,
But with this child sent from above
Come stronger faith and richer love.

And soon they'll know the privilege given
In caring for this gift from heaven.
Their precious charge so meek and mild,
Is heaven's very special child."

~John and Edna Massimilla~

Ahhh, Freak Out!

So I know I'm not a great housekeeper. I hate housework, that is for sure. I'm more of a bill-paying / coupon clipping / grocery shopping kind of gal. I'm not a messy person and I personally clean up after myself, but with a family of five, our place is going to get messy if not downright dirty if I only do what's necessary to get by. Which, ashamedly, I admit is all I generally do on a daily basis - to get us by.

It is worth it to note that my husband also hates housework, but often begrudgingly helps out when he isn't working. So it's in my kids' DNA for sure to despise housework as well, but they don't clean up after themselves and just can't seem to keep their rooms tidy, ever.

Having three pack-rat children is enough to equal bedroom messes of gargantuan proportions if not cleaned on a multiple-times-per-day basis. Add to this fact that one child has a major behavior disorder and another is Autistic and in order to keep our home neat and tidy 100% of the time, I'd need to be following these children around physically picking up their discards 100% of the time during which they are awake and at home. My Autistic 6 y.o. is more on a 2-3 y.o. level when it comes to social function, under which listening and following directions falls. Therefore, he is understandably no help when it comes to straightening up, and the older children find this unfair. He is usually responsible for making the most mess in the common areas and definitely the most responsible for the boys' bedroom mess. He dumps toy boxes. What more can be said?

Now for the *freak out* ~ our apartment complex sent out a memo detailing a point by point inspection of all apartments would be done sometime this week, basically a white glove test. They will be looking in closets, cabinets, and everywhere in between. IF our blinds are broken or missing (which they are in every room, thanks to our illegal cats which as of last night no longer live here *tear*) we are responsible for the cost of replacement. Same thing with all the other standard stuff apartment complexes can get you on.

I am obviously freaking out way to much about this inspection. Last night I dreamed that while one person was inspecting my apartment, another was inspecting my fingernails, asking me why they were so dirty and misshapen! Well, a bit misshapen they may be, but dirty fingernails, nosiree!

Just taking a break from cracking the whip on my own back to clean the boys' room. Yesterday I got our bedroom and Jessica's bedroom done; the cats and nearly ten bags of dirty laundry went to Grandma's house. I'm ashamed to admit that I generally only do what's necessary to get by. How did we accumulate ten bags of laundry and still have some left here?

The plan for today is to finish the boys' bedroom and work on the kitchen. This will leave the storage closet and touch-up cleaning in the bathroom, etc.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings...

I am thankful that I am one of those people who can refrain (most of the time) from wearing my heart on my sleeve. I get so many mixed messages from the world around me about how to deal with the pent-up feelings I have going on inside; if I were to be as outwardly emotional as I felt, I'd be a wreck all of the time.

This isn't to say that all of my emotions are sad or angry, frustration or fear...but having said that, I guess I've learned that bittersweet moments are so rare in my life. Instead of being in constant emotional flux, I'd so much rather focus on one emotion at a time. I believe it would make me more productive, more focused; and as I wrote in my prior blog I NEED to develop some productive focus to develop goals and get them done.

Again, to refer back to my earlier blog, when I was super-house-wife / nanny, I had all of those emotions pushed so far down inside of me, I never had to deal with them, ever. My addiction to painkillers was the final straw in numbing such terrible feelings that I didn't want to cope with. Once I 'overcame' the addiction (once you're an addict, you're always an addict, although if you're clean you're considered "in recovery" or "recovered"), a tidal wave of emotion came crashing in all around me and I began to drown in it.

Now, nearly four years later, I know better than to stuff all of my feelings way down inside, but I still need to find constructive ways to deal with certain emotions. I've been seeing my Dr., my therapist, and I've started this blog.

When I first started the blog, I was going to keep everything very 'vanilla' and not mention any of my 'sordid' past. But since this is, essentially, my diary, I decided to write whatever I feel I need to. if you are reading too, hopefully you recognize that no one but our Heavenly Father has the power or right to judge me...but I'd love any of your comments or suggestions.

So I guess the question is...is there anybody out there? And how do you FEEL today?

Lucky Girl

I am so disgusted with myself a lot of the time. No matter what I do, it's not enough compared to what I used to do on a daily basis. Hard to believe that I could care for my own three children (as babies / toddlers) and 2 additional 3 year olds, clip coupons, comparison shop, stockpile, pay the bills, straighten up the house several times per day, do laundry, and have a relatively successful mini-side business selling on eBay.

The changes I've made since I was that person have been severe. Some of them have been for the better (for instance, I'm physically healthier since cutting my weight in half and have found the one true Church which has been such a blessing in my life). A lot of the changes that have been made in my life were not my choices but all stemmed from my own stupid mistakes. So even though I didn't make these decisions, my actions have caused a lot of the problems in my family's life.

I am a lucky girl, however, because I have a very caring and forgiving husband. He works hard to support this family and is understanding of my condition most of the time. Even when he gets frustrated and yells and hollers about this or that not being done, he technically has every right. Why I can't get things done I can't figure out.

Up until right before Jesse started back to working after being unemployed for 16 months, I was a Managing Cosmetology student. I'm not sure why, but toward the time Jesse got his job, I wasn't heartbroken that I'd have to leave school for good. Now I miss it. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the sense of purpose. I don't miss all the drama, cursing, rumors, drug deals, and other evils that occurred there.

Maybe I am lonely. It is a feeling I get a lot, even when I'm on the phone with someone, and especially when I am with my kids.

Maybe I'm exhausted. I can't seem to sleep enough and I'm always tired and 'sick' in some form or fashion.

But I'm a lucky girl still...because I personally know of stronger, better women than I whom have gone through worse challenges and have faced horrible tragedies but stood firm and continued to do what needed to be done, instead of shutting down.

This lucky girl needs to learn to function again. Admitting I want to be steadfast in this goal is a good first step, I think.