Because while it might not be as interesting as the witty words I used to make life seem like a barrel of (if dysfunctional,) monkeys, it is incredibly necessary to maintain my faith at all times so that I may continue to grow in my spiritual journey. So please know that my words are written with the Holy Ghost beside me, whether it sounds like it or not.
I have come to hate Saturdays. I know that every day is a gift from our Heavenly Father and another opportunity to do good, study the Scriptures, teach our children, and praise His name. Saturdays have been so difficult ever since Jesse took his job back in December, as he works Tuesday thru Saturday...the kids are home and they are, in my eldest sons words, "bored stiff".
In fact, he was so bored earlier that he decided to start arbitrarily throwing things at his younger brother and sister, raising his voice at them and causing a horrible raucous. I called Ben in to talk to him (no easy feat, although I was calm as a cucumber the whole time) about his awful behavior, thinking there was some deeper underlying cause for him to be so angry. At first, he stormed out of the room with a (for lack of a better term) "screw you" attitude. So I raised my voice and lowered the Mommy BOOM for him to come back and asked him why he was so angry with me, his sister, and little brother.
He simply stated he wasn't angry at us, but was just bored and couldn't help acting out when he was bored like that. Seven million toys, cable television, video games, computer games (including the limited FaceBook page I set up for the 2 older kids to play games on), or, ***gasp*** spending time with Mom were obviously not viable options. Instead he chose to harass the three of us to the point where we're all scared to deal with him.
It goes back to an earlier post about "picking my battles" with Ben. I decided that, given my physical condition right now (pounding headache and stress-induced stomach cramps), I decided that this was not a battle I was up for fighting. As long as I keep the little ones out of the path of "Himicane Benjamin", I feel I'm doing all I can right now. Jesse will be home soon, and in one way, I hope Ben is good for him. Another part of me feels that it would make sense if Jess knew exactly what went on during these times of trouble.
Today's **battle** wasn't bad because I gave in. It was not fair to my other children that Ben was breaking the rules and not getting punished; they are too young to understand all it takes out of me when I decide to stand firm and choose to **battle** Ben, which would be every day over one thing or another. I hear "It's not fair," quite a bit out of my daughter's mouth, and she's right. It's not fair. To me, to her and our youngest, and really, to Ben. But I cannot afford the consistency that Ben's disorders (ADHD & ODD) require.
It makes me sad that I can't be everything I need to be for my children. But I know that, as they say, admitting there is a problem is the first step. Again, in a previous blog you may have read that we have appointments scheduled with Developmental Pediatricians and Psychologists for Ben, just to see if we can find out where all this anger stems from.
He is my son and I love him dearly. No matter what I will always love him. And just when I think I'm at my lowest point and ready to give up on him, I remember that sweet, innocent, miraculous infant we prayed for for so long. I remember the priviledge of getting up with him overnight to feed and change him; to bathe him, to feed him, to rock him, and to panic when he was sick. I remember his milestones like they were yesterday...rolling, scooting, sitting, crawling, creeping, walking, talking, running, etc. Seems like since he started talking and running, he hasn't stopped. The time goes so fast.
But those memories are so dear to me, even as we expanded our family, Ben continued to be the center of attention. His behavior didn't really start becoming unbearable until he was around 4 1/2 years old or so. What changed? Nothing, besides Nicky's diagnoses of global developmental delays and Autism. This was the only major familial change at this time, but I can't wrap my head around the thought that this would change Ben to the point of his Oppositional Defiance Disorder. The ADHD is so common that I was not surprised when he was diagnosed with it.
I just wish I could get to the bottom of his anger issues, which are clearly directed at me. All I can do is keep his appointments and pray, pray, pray...
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